Home
I am back in Baltimore and am feeling like I'm not quite home--i've left a part of home and myself in india. I feel very displaced in a way although not in a melacholy way. It's hard to describe. I just am looking at things in a new light--things burn a little brighter as I don't have the same attachment to them which I had before. I can take a nice, warm shower or a whirlpool bubble bath (as i did both yesterday) and although I enjoy it in that moment, I know that I could go without it and don't cling to that feeling of comfort. I know that there's so much more beyond this feeling of comfort-something so much more gritty, real, spiritual, revelatory, engaging. I am enjoying my surroundings so much more without this attachment and with this new perspective. It's kind of like I'm experiencing home and Baltimore for the first time. It's strange.
India has changed my perspective so vastly. I only fully realize it now being home. Everything feels very light now and it feels like there's so much potential for everything in my life. I found out from my mom in the BWI airport that she doesn't have the money to loan me money for the trip I was planning to south america. After a few minutes of anger and distress, I slowly settled into the idea of staying home and working for the next nine months. Before the trip to India, I would have just become hopeless but now I see everything as having so many possibilities. I know everything will be fine although the whole situation is not as romantic and adventurous.
I've actually come home to a lot of change. My mother got married and moved away while I was gone so I'm now living with my grandparents. Right now I'm sitting cozied up in my new room here. I've spent the last two days unpacking my boxes and making the room my own. As I was unpacking, I was listening to Om Shanti Om and other music which reminded me of India and feeling very sentimental and nostalgic missing everyone. It struck me how incredible and rare my experience was and how much it has changed me. I did a lot of thinking about it all and also about this new beginning I have for my life. It was really clearing.
While I was unpacking, I came upon a journal which I was keeping over the summer. I found a small entry where I was talking about my upcoming trip to India. I I was taken aback by how prophetic it was. I'll include it in this blog because I think it's a good note to end on in summing up this whole wild and beautiful journey ...
Today at work, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the idea that I would be in India in 3 months, that my place wasn't here but far,far away, that I would know how the sun rises halfway around the world and smell the dew in the air, that I would fall violently in love with others who didn't see or love the way I did but knew the same truths I did, that I would become scared and shamed and beome stronger, that I would not feel the same restlessness, that I would see a hurricane of sights, smells, and colors and not know how to process it all at once, that it's a new beginning, that my life will be full of unexpected adventure and divine love, that i would awaken to the sacred dawn of day and know the fledgling earth awaits me.